My Reflection, a Prose Poem

I sit. I think about Micah 7. But, I cannot sit for long. In the Black Screen of the TV, turned off, I see my reflection. I get nervous--- Anxious--- I even hate it. I see an arrogance. I understand what my family is seeing in me.

Inwardly, I feel peace. Like I'm accomplishing my goals, little by little. That I'm winning my battles. That my silence, my inaction, is not contrary to what I'm supposed to be doing right now. Like Micah 7. I sit in darkness. I do not know what else I can do. I say to myself, "I have sinned." 

Seeing myself from the outside, I can see how it drives my family crazy. To see the me perceived by others, it is hateful, arrogant, slovenly, lazy, prideful... That is how I appear when reflected in the TV. I see myself like I am seen by others.

Inwardly, I am not a ravenous wolf. Inwardly, I am calm, reticent, without fear, forming more understanding on the nature of being kindhearted, forgiving and able to trust. I see in my reflection someone else. Like I saw in my mother a sort of nonchalance reflected which wasn't her true feelings. Appearances can be deceiving. It seems like I am not at rest. It seems like I am unwise, lazy, prideful, vain, arrogant... inwardly, I know all of that is the opposite. I am trying my best to see the world through other's eyes, to draw from wisdom a cup of salvation. To understand.

I see what I look like to the outside world. I even am close to hating myself. But, that is not me. Like my mother's mien, I misread it for nonchalance when it was simply her playfulness. We put on an outward display which is not reflecting what is inward. I see myself from the perspective of others. It looks vain... Inwardly, I am contemplating the truths which are foundational to the world. I can see why people hate me. But, I can tell you, what you see in appearance is not who I am underneath. Outwardly, I am a ravenous wolf, but inwardly I am a lamb with a lion's courage and a serpent's wisdom. I look vain, stupid, insecure, lazy, prideful, arrogant,---like I am continually not at ease. But, I know from my reflection that what I seem is not what I am. Inwardly, I am at peace, readying myself to flee and lay aside this world's cares.