Letter to God

Dear,
God

You are good, I know. That is the whole reason I believe in You. I read Your Bible every day. I don't know why my life is so hard. I look at scripture, and I follow its rules. It never seems to work for me. But, I know that You are good.

I've asked for a wife and a book deal, and to be good at doing work. None of that has happened. I have no wife, I have no book deal, and I break down every time I do my work. But, I know that You are good.

When I see Your Son, speaking what He did, and when I read Genesis, and see the awesome and complex stories... I know there's an intelligence beyond my own at work. So I know that You are good.

I have schizoaffective disorder, and paranoid thoughts. I have delusions of grandeur. I see my whole world crumbling around me. But I know that You are good.

I am afraid of being captured, and tortured for crimes I did not commit. I have demons attacking my thoughts. But I know that You are good.

LORD, You are like a Husband to me, or Your City like a Hephzibah. And though the world isn't the way I want it to be, and though everything falls apart in my hands, and I am poor, and I tremble... I know the world was better when people believed in You.

As the Gnostics say, Sophia came and corrupted what was good, and the whole world revels in that. I don't like Sophia. I like Christ. I like Your Daughter Zion, the Holy City. I like good things, and I like peace, love and joy.

I don't know why You gave me over to such hardships, and never rescued me. I don't know why I have to have these thoughts, but I'm with You till the day I die. I guess I have to trust in You, and only You, and understand life's broken into four pieces.

I am in trouble, LORD, with myself. Only with myself. I have nothing, and a life filled with evil. I have done what I didn't want to do. LORD, if I go to hell, if I have nothing, if I am lonely, LORD, You are still good. Though I descend into the abyss, I know You are good. Let those who hate You understand, every good thing they ever had, every peace imaginable, came from You, and that if they follow their hearts, they shall suffer.

LORD, deliver me from all evil. And feed me my daily bread. Let me forgive those who've sinned against me. And forgive me of my sins, too. Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on Earth as it is in heaven. Lead me not into temptation. For, Yours father, is the Kingdom, Power and Glory. Yours, Father, not mine.

Keep me from all harm, and save me from the plans of Satan. For I meditate upon Your law day and night. Yet, if You do not... and deliver me to my worst fears, You are still God, and I am not. I am a man, and a sinner. Though I worship You, and commit my ways to You, and dole out my bread to the hungry, and clothe the naked, and visit the prisoner, and console the widow... though I am kind to all I meet, and pray for my enemies... LORD, deliver me from my enemies, for it is Your promises. And I love Your law, that is why I do what is right. For no other reason. You are attentive to the prayers of those who desire to fear Your name. I commit myself to You, I have compassion on the poor, I desire to fear Your name... LORD, do not leave me on my sick bed, but fulfill Your promises toward Your servant. Deliver me from the ones stronger than myself. I can do nothing... LORD, and faithfully walk according to Your statutes, Yours, because they are good. Do not be like a liar to me... For then the nations would cease believing, yet You still are good, and I am not. And though the whole world stop believing, You are still God. Yet, deliver me, LORD, and graven me into Thy Palms.

For You say the Meek shall inherit the Earth, and the meek are like horses, tamed and broken. And the Mad Philosopher crumbled seeing the Stallion broken by men... but it was the worldly philosophy he created that broke the wild and free. For Your Law is utter mercy, and forgiveness, and the statute abolished so we can be at peace. For, to live by Grace and Love and Thy Law, brings wellsprings of peace. For the Meek are Spineless, and are led by a rope here and there, though being mighty and powerful. They cannot but do what they are conditioned to do... they know not their power. So said a mad prophet to me once, in a vision. And he, I'm afraid, is the one who clipped my wings of freedom, and bound me to the dust. Lift me up, Oh LORD, lift me up, and mount me on Eagle's Wings. Revive my Youth, for I wait patiently upon You. Let me sprout wings, and fly away from the tempest, and be knitted to You in truth.

For when I was in heaven, I saw Your peace... and I came back to this world to bring the Earth to You. For You are good.

I only ask, You keep Your mercies toward me.