I was an atheist off and on for about 6 months. Legitimately, I prayed to God, and said “I don’t believe in you,” and I got back in return “All have alike gone astray, searching after their own things.” Literal thought that went through my mind, I’d never read that in the Bible ever.

So, when I was about 18 into 19 I had a girlfriend. And we were riotous. We were hell on wheels. We were Bonnie and Clyde. We never actually went the whole way, but would get to third base sometimes. But we did that enough. And life was miserable. I couldn’t even remember the day before, let alone my Sunday School lessons from 10 years prior. We didn’t like each other, we cared about each other, but we were a hot mess.

And I was trying to make a Universal Morality. That was my goal, at the Guard shack as I waffled between Atheism and Christianity. It was a real fight. I was really leaning in toward the Atheist side, but really, I was a full blown atheist for a while. Not long… but long enough.

And the reason why I couldn’t be an Atheist… it all amounts to the vacuum left by it. As a philosophy, atheism is morally bankrupt, and can’t really hold anyone accountable. It permits the worst forms of debauchery, and really starves out love. I can’t really eloquently say what I mean, but Atheism destroys the capacity to love and it is extremely selfish. At its root, it will permit anything that the culture allows.

And for one thing, I experimented with homosexuality as a very young boy. So, come to say, I knew it was wrong from having done so. And nobody is going to tell me otherwise. Nothing I ever did that was wrong, wasn’t with the knowledge of it being wrong. And I think the fact that Atheism cannot contend with Homosexuality— at best Homosexuality makes selfish cultures. And I’ve seen it in my own. But, Atheism cannot contend with that. As if you’re atheist, you’re more right to be selfish, and forsake everything and everyone important for your own satisfaction. As there’s no afterlife, or reward or punishment, you might as well treat your friends and family as accessories rather than intrinsic parts of your life.

And I think that is why I’m not an Atheist. Is because it’s too shallow, and cruel, and it doesn’t answer questions about human morality in a way that satisfies me. Like Jesus did.

Well… my conversion story is quite fascinating.

From a young age, I was steeped in American Paganism. Santa Clause, Leprechauns, Valentines Day (Cupid), Easter Bunnies, Tooth Fairies, and a little Chinese Zodiac for spice. That was my religion. There on the Chinese Place Mat. And of course Star Wars was real, and Robots were real, and so were aliens—Alf was a real alien on the TV. And I didn’t like Christianity. They taught me in Sunday School, when I was very young, Jesus Loves me. And all I knew about the Bible was that Abraham had lots of children—I thought he bore children with Sarah, literally, the number of the stars. And there were a lot of stars. And of course I thought of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. And of course I was a futurist… I believed in real robots, the robot at the Hospital where my brother was born, was just like R2D2. It had a conscience just like me. And of course I knew the 10 Commandments, the story of Exodus through Charlton Heston’s portrayal of Moses. Literally, that was all I knew.

Fast forward to about 12 or 13, I had Vacation Bible school, where they went through the Gospels, and then Sunday School. I learned the story of Jesus. And I fell in love with the story of Jesus. I heard His Parables, I heard His miracles, I heard everything. And I fell in love with the Gospel. Now, try to tell me about Paul, I would have resisted it. Try to tell me about the wars in the Bible, or the conquest of Canaan, I would have resisted it. It was just Jesus. As is true for any child, we want the pure teachings of Jesus. You know? With American Folk Religion, it’s a lot like Shintoism, where you do good, and be a good person, you go to the better place. You are a bad person, and you do bad things, they can’t be forgiven. You got to the bad place. That was my religion, and Jesus had the best “Good Place” teachings in the world—of course, He’s God’s Son—that was my religion still. I loved Jesus, but didn’t quite understand or grasp the cross. Because up to this point, I hadn’t any reason to grasp it. I was a good person, to my own beliefs,—despite knowing it wasn’t true, which I assume is also true for lots of other people—and there was no reason for me to need forgiveness. Jesus was a good teacher, so if I stayed good, I’d go to heaven.

Well, then I sinned. You can read all about it. I have no secrets. So, after sinning, I started understanding the deeper concepts of the faith. Like Paul. Why we needed forgiveness, was told by Paul. Because we've all sinned. So, where I would have rebelled against Jesus had I known Paul’s teachings before I sinned, after I sinned, I understood why Paul’s teachings were like that.

So, I became a Christian through Jesus—I had that foundation, on the Sermon on the Mount—but I was a flagrant, and unabashed sinner, from about 8 years old to 25. It just came out in various ways. In the later years as self righteousness and vanity.

So, I’d say I knew I had sinned, and needed God’s mercy, and so I started believing in Paul. Get me to accept the Torah, I needed more time for that. The fact that God told Israel to enslave and destroy entire cultures would be a while, before I understood that. But, that I’ll get to.

So, around I’d say 20 I was really confronted with my sin. Maybe even 21. I had confronted it, and then decided to get into a Messianic Jewish Cult. And started all this sacred name, and observing feasts, and Sabbaths, and abstaining from food. Which taught me about Jewish Culture a lot—so as a fast, it was very educational. I have a root in Hebrew culture, knowing from having lived it, what it’s actually like. Although, at this time, I confessed my sin to a police officer, and ended up on Sex Offender Probation and in jail for five months, and a registry for 10 years. Which, goes to show, being 14 doesn’t mean squat to the police, neither does a repentant conscience. They don’t care. So, just a fair warning to those of you out there thinking they will. They won’t. Just take your lashes, and accept your life.

Then around 23, I went to a Baptist church, who taught me all the Old Testament. And although the Preacher was a very knowledgeable person, we didn’t really mix. We were oil and vinegar. But, he taught me a bedrock of the story of the Prophets. Which comprises about 1/3 of the entire Bible. I had known the Gospel, and Exodus, but didn’t know that, and that was foundational. And when I was in Jail, I listened to Jay Vernon McGee, and he taught me exegesis on the Old Testament. And then a chaplain in there told me to read Galatians, and I realized my Hebrew Roots movement was not what the Gospel was preaching. In fact, Jesus was clear, not to mix the leaven of the Old Covenant with the New. So as I was once in a Subway talking to a gentleman about grace—he was a very mature Christian—I let him eat his pork, because I was acknowledging I was doing a fast. Which taught me a lot… it gave me a great knowledge, and I’d say for anyone who wants to do a fast following the Torah for some period do it, and study the Hebrew Culture, you’ll really identify with it. But also, eat the Calamari at Baltimore. You might never have that chance again.

So, then I found the Apostolic Fathers, and Martyrs Mirror, and The Old Testament Apocrypha, and Mesopotamian History around the time I turned 30… and that’s about the time I started getting it right, and getting it back again. Slowly, I’m turning into the best of all my forms, and hopefully I only grow. Because I think being connected with the faith, in its historicity—studying the Martyrs, ANE history, and the evidence and the Apocrypha and the Church Fathers—I think it connected me back to a faith that, getting to the first part, was in the world around me, I just didn’t embrace it. But, it was the prevailing religion, and everyone I knew believed it. And it made a such better world, and I remember it being without eccentricity, and sober, and also very loving. And I think that was ultimately what converted me, was knowing that love, and associating it with Christianity. As without Christianity, I wouldn’t have known that love.

Now, getting to the Torah, why does God call His people to war? Well, I’ve seen the world grow shallow, and dark, and I think that’s the last lesson on a Christian’s journey. It’s an entire cycle. You know in Star Wars, Luke Skywalker kills Storm Troopers. You know? You know the Empire is evil. It’s just, tasting that evil, you have to understand it must be resisted with bloodshed sometimes. So, you begin to look at youth, and see they are corrupted too, and you realize that there must be a time for war. And it’s inevitable that it happens, so there' isn’t an overwhelming amount of suffering for a particular people. As when righteousness abounds, there’s peace. But, when there’s great wickedness, there’s war. And good people have to fight… and when there is no more good people, the good people have to lay down their lives as Martyrs. As is what happened under Rome.

As Christ said, “I came not to bring peace, but the Sword,” And that, because the sword provides a way for peace to be restored.

But in-between that, you realize that there must be forgiveness, and mercy. That’s where many stop. Is at Jesus, when He’s the beginning. And His second coming at Armageddon is the End, along with His Millennial Kingdom where there cannot be sin.