I try everything, but fail.
In my dreams, the one I desire,
Her large family belongs to another man.
Everything is broken in life.
Everything is destroyed.
I see the enemy closing in around me
On every turn.
None take me seriously;
My words are chaff.
My life is spent in vanity here on the earth.
Am I truly edifying?
Am I truly bringing Christ to the masses?
Or, am I just a laughingstock?
It’s like my precious words are chaff.
It’s like my life was built on shifting sand.
I give, I give everything
But now there is nothing left to give.
There isn’t even the hope of love
Nor the hope of family.
Just the desperate hope of living until I’m old
Living, without family, without lover,
Without my goals accomplished.
All look and say, “Where is God?
“Look, this is a Christian.”
Slowly, my religion dies
Despite my protests for it not to.
I don’t want the world where my religion fades
As there would be no love.
Only oxytocin.
There would be no joy.
Only dopamine.
There would be no peace.
Only a chemical reaction obfuscated with love.
Men would use one another for their lusts…
Their appetite.
Would men murder? Maybe.
Maybe they wouldn’t.
Maybe it would just be a violent hedonism
Where relationships are cheap rags
That get used to wipe the spritz
From your privates
After touching another’s flesh.
I would lay on my couch,
Because none would want to read what I’ve written;
Silently, I would pine away,
My life’s work forgotten.
My name forgotten.
And never having seen joy on the earth
I would die.
Would the world turn black at my death?
I don’t know if I can retain the faith for that long.
So, I ask God to not leave me to this fate.
For, I am faltering.
Not in faith. I will always believe He exists.
Just in my walk with Him.
With no pleasure, with constant suffering,
I would not see the things that I treasure.
And I might lose Him from my life.
I would believe in Him until the day I die.
But, who knows if I would pine away
And pine away on the hallucinogenic porn.
Would I trade my heritage for this?
I would probably live until 108
And die, never having loved a woman
Never having married,
Never having a woman in my bed,
Never raising a child,
Never doing anything…
Not because I had done anything wrong.
Just because the world had said, “No,”
To all the things that would make me truly happy.
It wanted me to find my own happiness…
I had found it. It was the happiness of God.
But, that wasn’t what it wanted for me.
It wanted me degenerate all my life.
Understand, everything I want
Is taken from me.
Because of a world that said it wasn’t good enough.
For me, it would have been.
But, when I get to heaven,
I will say to God, “You created a good world.
“But men spoiled it. Yes. It wasn’t you Who made me suffer.
“It was them. And, suffering always was them.
“To suffer was their joy.”
B. K. Neifert 