Confessions

Confessions

Chapter I: Childhood

I submit this account of my life to You, in the tradition of St. Augustine. If I am ever remembered, or forgotten, seen as a great fool, or a sage, or something like a philosopher, a mean between, I will be ever grateful for one thing. The prayer of Moses, and the prayer of David. Let my work be established. And let me inquire of You in Your temple for all eternity, and dwell in Thy beautiful City Zion, and see Your beauty.
As a child, life was very peaceful. My family were stalwart Christians, and believed. There was a great peace at this time, unlike any I had ever experienced. God was part of a pantheon of magical beings and creatures, such like the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, Leprechauns, Cupid, and of course the Robots at the hospital had a conscience, and Alf on TV was a true alien. The Chinese Zodiac was as part of my religion, as were the echoes of Christianity.
In Church, I preferred the nursery to learning about Christ. We sang Jesus loves me, and Father Abraham. And I had truly thought that Father Abraham was about a man who had as many children as there were stars, from his wife Sarah. I knew nothing about the religion. I cared nothing for it.
I loved my mother and dad very carefully. I loved my family. And every family member's death left a huge imprint on me. I honored my family, watched 80s Television, listened to music from the span of 1950-1989. I didn't care for pop music, nor did I care for my peers' mischief or vile ways. Thus, I rubbed against them in everything.
I knew the old ways were much better. And something in my generation, which they infected me with, was new, and it was not good. This I found was the thing I wrestled with my entire life, and still do as I sit writing this book. Most people associate Christianity and Christ with prudishness, illiberal ways, and backward hatred. I associate it with love, peace, forgiveness, and mercy. As the Christians I associated with, were these things.
In Pre School, I learned the American Mythologies, and they were infused with Christianity. A very real Christianity, too. One that was gentle, trustworthy, not abusive nor offensive. It was at peace, and my world was at peace. I learned of Abraham Lincoln, and George Washington, and John Henry, and Paul Bunyan. I sung my Patriotic Hymns, which all sung about God. I sung my nursery rhymes, which all had beautiful melodies---all the music I knew had melodies. Which is why I could not understand pop music when it was introduced to me. It seemed emotive, and very base. Not the peaceful melodies I was perfectly used to as a child, which came from merry-go-rounds, marching bands, patriotic hymns, and Classic Rock: Mixolydian, Aeolian, Ionian, Dorian, Pentatonic, Blues, and Major scales.
So, thus, I had this beginning. And where I think most of my generation hates Christianity for this peace, I rather appreciated it, though at the time did not want it.
I met real Christians my whole life, and only lamented their loss when they stopped being seen. I knew the true faith by proxy, but did not want to be that. I had no knowledge of the faith that made humanity so true and real. I knew my own American Paganism, which was something novel for myself... maybe the only American Pagan in the world, or maybe one of many. Who truly believed in Santa and Easter Bunnies.
Yet, I had told my Dad I believed in Cupid, and he told me this was not our religion. That was Greek. And there I had my first true choice to make. Either the Gospel or Greek Religion. And soon Santa became a game, and the Easter Bunny also. And Tooth Fairies and Leprechauns. But, it was instilled in me that God was different. And I knew this from the peace of God, which surrounded my family, my civilization and my church. It was everywhere, present in everyone. And that I knew well, knowing it as God's providential shelter.
There was a magic in my childishness, but it all stemmed from the visible elements of love. Love from family, friends, church, the society around me. It was safe. It was real in ways that I can't even communicate to anyone today. There was a real shelter in the world, a true safety, a real love that existed everywhere. If only in my family unit, and my friends, it was there. And omnipresent in my life, and it felt good. And I associated that with Christianity.
It still confuses me what people mean by Christianity being a religion of hatred, and a religion of magic, and a religion of backwardness. It was actually Christianity that taught me there was no magic, save love. It healed me of my Pagan delusions, which were instilled in me by family and friends. And acted on, but that love was very real.
And that's the core of my Christian faith, and I'd say every Christian who holds fast to it. Is a remembrance and memorial of that love, which helps disillusion us to the weird happening around us. The stability, the kindness, the affect of peace that allows us to make sense of good and evil. That without, there can be no sense. And I'm afraid that's why so many fall off the narrow path.
For Christianity is merely Line upon Line, Here a Little There A Little. Precept upon Precept. It's not a stabilizing force. And though outside of it, I was as a child, it surrounded me like a blanket and kept me safe. Though I didn't believe in it, I knew it protected me. And that was real. And still is.


Chapter II: Bullied and Bully

Then I went to school. And associated with my peers, who were into magic of a different sort. And this I found strange. It wasn't the love I knew, and the rich and beautiful things. It was a sort of fiendishness, and nihilism. And thus, they brought me to reckon that there was evil in this world. And evil must be punished. By the sword.
Grace wasn't taught to me---though a grievous sinner already---I thought of myself as perfect. And I thought I had no need for forgiveness. Bad men must suffer. And good men must prosper. Hell was good, for bad people went there. And heaven was good, for so long as you didn't do a sin, you'd go.
And thus, my peers taught me great and evil things, and introduced me to great and evil forces. My generation were very deceptive, and were wicked. I was pure, but my heart was abused by them. At every moment, they turned and twisted my good nature. And this I fought, and still do. There was such an evil in them, that I never knew. 
And so, I took out my frustration on peers. I'd chase the girls on the playground, and tackle them, and smell their body odor. And I'd be like Pan chasing Syrinx. Around and around they went, though there was no design in it. It was simply there they were, and I'd tackle them, and smell them, and enjoyed the chase. I don't know if they enjoyed it, too. But, it was friendly. I liked them, and enjoyed chasing them.
But, there encroached an adult behavior in my peers. A sort of disgust for me I never could understand. One that stirred deep within them, and tormented me. What was childish, like Pepe Le Pew chasing the Cat, to them was a grievous evil. And thus, my chasing became more aggressive. And I bullied those whom I was once pure with.
And they bullied me.
There was an Indian Boy, who the class did not like. And they twisted my mind, so I would chase him, and knock him over, and call his food disgusting. Which, the smell was not good. But, there was a hatred in me, created by these people. A twisting desire. One which I had no control over at the time---
I did nothing wrong, per say, but there was an animosity among my peers, and an influence shaping me. One which they continually vexed me with, until I was in high school. Where I was freed for but a second, and then yoked back into.
I do say, that is what I hate. And that is the religion of my peers... that frustration, hatred, ugly, nihilistic thing. The thing I rebel against. Though I turned it on my Indian brother, I should have turned it on myself, and fought the foe within. Which I do now, and is the central theme of my doppelganger.
For there is a principality and power of the air, that infects you, and makes you wrong in ways you can never know, until years later. And years later, you look back... not yet a perfect man. But striving for it. You wish to return to the peace you knew. The Christian Peace---that comfort.
And I do say that is the sum war of a Christian's life. Is fighting that, and overcoming it, and becoming a better man than you used to be. Many Christians simplify the Gospel to “I'm saved”, but they do not take Paul's warnings of warfare into account. We need swords, and helmets, and shields, and shoes, and breastplates, and belts, and we need to wrestle. Make mortal sport of our enemy, which isn't the peers teasing you. No, it's the sin within you, that turns loose on everyone else.

Chapter III: A Slow Child

I was also a slow child. Sharp as a tack. But slow to learn. Stories were my bread and butter. And because I was slow at learning details, they never moved to concepts where I would do my best work. So, the schools thought I was a problem child, and they gave me assistants to help me through classwork. To keep my behavior in check. To do work for me. I had every advantage to be lazy, therefore, did no work.
My school allowed these assistants, and allowed these aids which I didn't need. And like crutches in a healthy person, my legs atrophied. And so I still remain callow today. A man who understands many things, who simply wants my seed to grow and to harvest the fruit. But, either rainstorms wash out my fruit, or droughts, though the soil is good.
I received a basic education. Being one of the less scholarly children. I spent my time in class daydreaming, and fantasizing about worlds far away, and sex, and wars. I wanted to be somewhere else. Not there.
I was not a happy child. That was stolen from me. The idyllic youth, became a sort of dull and overbearing mischief, of bullies, and teachers who didn't care much about me. So, I wandered the halls at every moment I could find. I spent more time playing than working.
I learned that people hate me. In all their actions, in all their words. I made one or two friends, some of which were antisocial, and taught me to be delinquent too. As they were the only ones who associated with me. Thus, I began a reputation for being a bad child. A loner child. A rotten child.
And so it was, I spent the better part of my school years isolated, and picked on by my peers. To the point where I became debilitated. To the point where I can't even go to my Brother's Bachelor's Party, which is today. Not for fear of ill play, but because I cannot be in a room with a lot of people. For I know every room I walk into, hates me.
I learned enough to stay silent, not trust people, and to skate through life, living it through my rich imagination. There, I had a rich life. There I spent most of my life. And why I tried to be a writer. Which, the world stole from me, in one word, called “Woke” which I woke up, and realized it was a plot to take away the only thing I had, which was liberty and my words.
The only genuine thing I had, was this talent. Good family. True friends. A few. But, the only thing I had in life was this talent. Which, was fought for every minute with everyone. I was never going to be good at labor, or as a clerk. I rub people the wrong way. Every moment with them, I wonder when I'm going to speak to them wrong, or rub them sore. So, I've learned to avoid people.
And You, LORD, are my social net. You are my security. I speak to You, what I know to be true. I know of love because of You, and that is why I worship You. If I am a Polymath, or a Genius, it is only because You have opened my mind to wonders and truths. Not because of any special proclivity in me for academic knowledge, or some sharp skill. It was all by providence, that I moved, seeing the best and worst in people and myself.
And perhaps this helps me understand humanity better than most people. That I have tasted bitterness, I have tasted my own sin and crimes, I have also felt pleasures and have seen despair.
Loneliness is a curse upon me, for I'd love to be in communion with others. But, my personality rubs them sore. It rubs me sore, and I do not know how to be any different. Can I change? That is my religion, to change this. To become more a man, and to become a better, more caring, loving and humble man. To make myself ready for companionship, and a better man for others.
For that is Who You are, is a God of truth. And truth is, my isolation has taught me the value of companionship and is why I always wanted a spouse. And I have not been a good man, able to be a friend to many. But, those whose friendship I have won, I cherish. For as the Proverb says “Do not forsake your friend or your father's friend.”
For I am different. Smart in a way that doesn't get quantified in school, nor does well in tests. One that makes people hate me almost bitterly for no reason. In my heart, inside of me, I am like any other person, but around me is a persecutory spirit, which I hate. And that thing in the world, is why I'm a Christian, is it hated me, while You, LORD, have extended comfort to me on every side, even when I didn't know You.

Chapter IV: My First Conversion

Upon my conversion, my first conversion, was Lutheran. I was taught Jesus' life and ministry. I had not yet found myself at fault, but loved the teachings of Jesus so much. They were true, and fit into my moral upbringing. Good would be rewarded, evil will be punished. There is an immutable moral law, which Christ's Sermons surmounted. And getting to heaven, was to lay your foundation upon His moral precepts.
And I found that good news, that Jesus did indeed love me. And He was good, so I was satisfied, never having heard the other side—which made me all the more adamant about Him when I would.
And I loved my Sunday school, though still was a foolish child, and would make faces at the teacher from underneath the table, and pull at the girl's dresses, and do some mischief.
But, I learned the foundation, which was Christ.
That foundation was He was a great moral sage, unlike any other. That He had a profound respect for the poor. That He was teacher. That He was Master. That He was good, and set forth to show us how to live.
And seeing Him abused by His peers, made Him relatable to me. How those in authority made Him seem small and weak, and He was constantly under pressure from almost everyone to bend to the traditions of the world He lived in.
And You, my friend, Jesus, though I am nothing like You, I feel kinship with You. That I, for my good nature, was spurned by my classmates, but unlike You, I turned into a villain much like your Apostle Paul, whom at this time if I knew about I'd probably have not been so impressed.
In fact, I know so, as You taught me Paul in my vision, I ran with my fingers in my ear, and circled the garden, and didn't want to hear about David or Paul or Samson. I wanted the milk of the faith.
But, without that milk---since it is my favorite thing to consume---I wouldn't have healthy bones, or healthy teeth. And without Your sunshine, I wouldn't be able to grow. There is much darkness in the world, that as a child I was familiar with, but was satisfied with Your goodness.
I was vilified, but so were You. I, for my want of good things, and love and blessing, was spurned for my heartfelt desire for peace and love. And shelter and comfort. And so were You.
We had a kinship, You and I, LORD, though I am far beneath You, having sinned every day of my life in some form. Your perfection reflected what I always wanted in a hero. I watched TV, and the heroes were strong. I, like Boethius, was not strong, but rather very fallible. But, had a fruitful creativity. And though my society may be crumbling around me, so was Yours. As Tiberius was putting trees on trial, and would soon crucify God.
And therefore, I understand You. And what people say is Christianity, is not the Christianity I know, of a man being persecuted by religious hypocrites, and attracting the masses whom nobody even thought of. You spurned big and great men by letting prostitutes wash Your feet before their eyes. You showed mercy to fools, and made wise men out of the most rotten scoundrels. Why ought I not follow You? Knowing that there was good, You showed it in lively fashion, that without, I don't think any man could understand.

Chapter V: My Lutheran Church

So, my Lutheran church was a good one. We had safe people, and good Sunday School. It smelled like cedar and there was always a good feeling when you went in. There is some kind of special feeling in a church, that you only know by being in one. A certain hallowed feeling in the sanctuary. And the liturgy was beautiful.
That liturgy was the whole stay of the Lutheran Church. I still have it in my hymnal, and the melodies were comforting. And the prayers, though monotonous and long and repetitive, when read and meditated on were good prayers.
We sung three hymns a Sunday; had a long, recited prayer; had recited confession; did communion once every other service; had a short sermon; did a children's sermon; had a small choir and music director; had a robed preacher; had an acolyte light the candles and a procession into the sanctuary by the Ushers; Sunday school in the basement, tea and coffee hour; and a time of offering. We recited either the Nicene or Apostle's creed every service. And we believed in the forgiveness of sins.
There was the Warner Sallman portrait of Jesus that hung in the narthex, a Christmas tree at Christmas with Christian Ornaments in the sanctuary, a Nativity Play every year.
We believed in infant baptism. We believed in Transubstantiation. The church had a hierarchy, of Lay, Sub-deacon, Deacon, Elder, Pastor, Bishop. We had two sacraments. We believed in the Augsburg Confession.
We had Vacation Bible School. The sermons were not very good. But, the Sunday School always was. As most of the teaching was during Sunday School.
One thing about it, before it turned wicked---and that will be talked about later---was it instilled a foundation upon a rock. As my one Sunday School Teacher warned me one day, we'd have to fight for our Christianity. And sure enough, she was right, as at a distinct moment, the church was changing, and beginning to call true Christianity a cult. And what I experienced was not a cult, but rather something real, gentle and beautiful. And as I say, that is why I'm a Christian. And for no other reason. Is that it is the love of God, and only one Rabbi ever told it the right way, and then had the ability to back it up with action and not only word.

Chapter VI: Sunday School

As it is, you always need to go to Sunday School. Which, unlike most children who played Soccer on Sundays, I had Sunday School up until about the age of 14.
In Sunday School, we learned about Jesus. We pored over the stories of Abraham, Noah, Adam and Eve, Moses, Daniel. We learned these things---though much was lacking, the core foundation was there.
We went over Jesus' sermons, meticulously, learning the historical context of it. We learned the meanings behind the stories in Genesis. To take them as symbols, and meaning, and metaphors. We learned Revelation---and actually, my dad was the teacher of that book, and used a guide to help us navigate it.
We learned philosophical arguments, apologetics, and biblical hermenuetics in my later years---as I took up Sunday School when I was an adult, too. We learned about the composition of the Bible, and King James Bible. And I learned that Sunday School is where the brunt of the saving comes from.
Where I would be without the 10 or so years of Sunday School? Without knowing the historical nuances of why Jesus called his mother “Woman” or the rich historical traditions of Roman Culture? I'd probably be as lost as most of our fellows today. And unfortunately, many of those traditions are gone.
No longer is Abraham a story about faith, but it is a story about child sacrifice. It is abominable in the eyes of the modern world, but in Sunday School, you'd learn the moral of the story was to teach Abraham that Human Sacrifice was not lawful and wouldn't be demanded by God. No longer is Adam and Eve a story about coming of age, and the point where a child becomes responsible for his or her actions. It is a myth, therefore utter nonsense. No longer is Moses about God's faithful dealing with a Slave People, by utterly liberating them. It is an abomination that God would deliver the Israelites, and use any force against Egypt. No longer is the Flood about God being just in destroying what He created, when He saw they were wicked, but evidence of His crimes against humanity.  No longer is Jesus the perfect Sage and Paragon of Moral Excellence, He is merely the side quest of Paul's epistles; and our burnt offering---though true, many of the nuances lay hidden. No longer is Paul the ultimate example of God's redemption and mercy, but is a person who corrupted the original messaging of Jesus' intent.
Jesus, we find, was a very compassionate man, who unlike Buddha actually lived in service to others. And was suffering, and very human. Not a false and jolly man, who selfishly meditates to assuage his own disillusionment with the world, but a man who suffers with us, and says that desire is the means by which we become better. For we desire to be better people. That is the ingredient lacking in modern Christian theology. That His law is perfect, and that the good news is that there is a meaning to life; we don't have to succumb to nihilism. We don't have to view ourselves as merely the byproduct of consequences outside of us or our internal body chemistry. That there is a good God, willing to pardon us and throw our iniquity into the sea. We don't have to succumb to the nihilism that darkens us. We, rather, can be refreshed by a hope for forgiveness, and mercy to become the people we deep down knew we always could be. That there is hope in the human experience, and that a Good God watches over us, died for our sins, and demonstrated to us what we would otherwise lack knowledge of without.

Chapter VII: My Confirmation

As it were, my confirmation came in two stages. There was first a young pastor, who believed the church was a cult, therefore, wanted to turn it into a social club. Where people came together, and taught platitudes about one world, and kumbaya. And I ran outside, and would not listen to him. I cried. For God could forgive me, couldn't He? There was a God. And He was good.
Thus, they took away this pastor, for I did not get confirmed by him. And a new pastor came, about to retire. He was only temporary. But, he taught me the faith. And I listened. We debated. But, I believed and so did he, so we took communion together, and good counsel.
He was real. And the first pastor was not. That was my desire, was to find the true faith, which became my pursuit over a lifetime was to find the real Christianity, hidden in the darkness of bad teachers and watered down theologies. I wanted the organic, and original, and authentic article. Not the thing I argued with my classmates about, which was another dead faith. For they said there was no moral decree, and we could do anything we wanted and still be saved. I wanted authentic goodness. I wanted a good God, who demanded nothing less.
I wanted my foundation on the Rock. And there it was built, and there I shall stand. And this pastor confirmed me, and on the day of my confirmation, I said none of the recited platitudes, I simply took my cross which hangs in my room, and stood next to my dad and Grandmother, and smiled. In a comical sense, I held it with my middle finger, as if to accidentally say to those who wished to steal it from me, that they were vulgar Cretans.
I was confirmed. And I found a rich faith, which I am still seeking today. The true faith.

VIII: The Dissolution of the Lutheran Church And Its Impact

About 1998, the Lutheran Church began to split, and started teaching a secular religion. One where my pastor told me, that El Yahweh-Yireh Elyon, Yeshuah Hamashiach, Lord God Most High Jehovah-Jireh, Jesus Christ, was not the first monotheistic religion, but rather Zoroastrianism was. That our Bible were Canaanite in origin. And we allowed female clergy.
So, I began to be taught about Global Warming, and Feminism, and the message of One World. I did not like this. And then the Lutherans began to have Gay Ministers.
I clung to my Bible, and defended it as best I could---poorly, though I can defend it like a champion today. This was at Church. I had to defend the Bible, and Christianity at Church. What my former pastor said he was trying to shelter me from, he actually created. A cult. Of the One World, New World, Sin being the God of the Pantheon. I related heavily to Thyatira, and would not tolerate the Woman Jezebel.
Where I should have been taught the true religion, I had to defend myself against men far more educated than I was, far more experienced in debate. I only knew it was that false spirit that persecuted me my whole life. He told me theologians said the Bible were all stories. Rightly, I have some of them on my bookshelf today, I know what they say. And I spent a lifetime refuting them, and proving to myself, at the very least, that the Bible is true.
What became of my Church, was feminism and queer theory and literary theory and the Gospel of Lies, rather than true words of the Gospel. What my Sunday School Lessons were, that built a rich foundation, were now being tested by the very church that armed me. And they armed me well.
I left, and would not go to church. And therefore, forgot everything.



IX: My Disobedience in High School

In High School, I was a very bad person. Beautiful, and having a face like an angel, but inept to use it to any social benefit. I had girls who liked me, of course. And LORD, You sheltered me, giving me the one woman who could resist the temptation to bed me. And I thank you for that.
I do not know why I felt this, but lost my faith shortly after Graduation. Which left me as a blank slate. I did not know.
I did my worst sins in this short 5 year period. For I had been isolated from my moral upbringing, that should have been taught by the church that betrayed me. And this I will say, is why I am angry at Christians for not teaching me.
I have every right to be angry at both Baptist and Lutheran, for neither having the mercy to teach me the truth about moral goodness, or the unction to have mercy for me when I failed. This is why I see religion—when I read the Bible, that is my faith—as a good tool. I do not know, LORD, why the world scorns You, when if they simply looked into Your book, and drew out the divine witness, they'd be amazed at the truths they found revealed.
I am scared for you, Christians, that you were too late, and couldn't find the truth. That your teachers forsook you, and that your beliefs were false. I spent a long time finding the true religion, and though not a moral paragon---no, this will show I was not---Who was, was our Savior, Jesus Christ.
“Why did you forsake me?” Says the LORD in this moment to you? Why did the church of all places teach His servant Brandon things, which it oughtn't? Why was it not a moral system?
Why was I so foul in these years? Though, it was the time I was most beloved in every man and woman's eyes? I was so virtuous to the outside world, and loved by all. I was beautiful. I was strong, and could lift 20 pound objects continually for eight hours straight. I could wrestle a giant and win. I could subdue a trained warrior in combat. I could hoist a 200 pound log, and carry it 300 yards. Yet, I was evil. Yet, at this time, I think I was most beloved by the world.
And the Church hadn't taught me. It left me in the dust, so I was alone in figuring out the faith for myself. I do not blame God for this, but rather man, who is the LORD's hands and feet. We are moral agents, responsible for ourselves, and are indeed our brother's keeper. As Sunday School taught me, that was the meaning of Cain and Abel. That when we stop being our brother's keeper, we become a murderer, and hate and slander him.
And thus, I was my most foul, berating good men who had good hearts, never where I was supposed to be, living in sin and anarchy. I made good men weep for my foul behavior, and turned every woman's eye. And every woman became my mate in my mind's eye. And I had released my affection for every beautiful woman, and my hand was caused to sin. I did not cut it off. No, I learned I didn't need to. For I found the religion I craved over many years. I found the God I worshiped. Though the world tried to hide Him from me, I found Him.
And frustrated by the lack of skin to satisfy my flesh, I met the one woman who could resist my beauty and my urges. And by God's grace, she became my first girlfriend. By God's grace, I remained pure and a virgin at heart.




X. My First Girlfriend

And then my first girlfriend, we did not love, but we cared deeply for each other. But I should have known, what kind of deep love would satisfy, for You showed me through Jorgia. And this peace, I knew, was good.
We had no love or affection, beyond physical touch. And only skin, that was our love. Not true love. And not even the sting of flesh, but simply young love.
I wish I could tell you what she was to me. That she was special. That I was in love. That would all be false. I loved her in a platonic sense. I chose her because it was easier than obtaining what I truly wanted. But, it was good. Because she did not love me like that, otherwise we would have been led away in passions, and we'd be broken hearted in a worse way than we were.
We parted on good terms, LORD, and how You chose this woman to keep me pure before You and undefiled. We both had self control, to say no to the cardinal sin of fornication. It was simply puppy love, and there was no great satisfaction in it.
She loved me, and I loved her. But not in great swells of emotions. It was a true kind of love, of a sister or brother. We were not related, but merely touched for comfort.
I say this, as the worst part of my life. The most sinful. No one will want to take my righteousness for theirs. No one will want to worship me, or take my word as sacred. There is nothing in me worth doing so. But, I witness in You, my LORD, something that I wish to teach. I wish to draw people to You in this one thing, which I see is frail in the world. And where did it all go?
When the world loved me, I was beautiful, I dated a mate, and we made everything but love. And in this, I was not happy. I was forgetful every moment of what happened even a day ago. And I was an atheist. And I had sinned. And then the world hated me again, after I sinned. But, truthfully, they did not hate me. No, they did not hate me, until after I became converted again. After I reignited my faith. After I came back to Your House, being a prodigal, and You came running back to me, and smiled on me, but then and only then did world then turn its back once again.
And what reignited it, will be told later. But, my girlfriend and I had no deep attraction or fondness for one another. We were merely acquaintances whose bodies were convenient.
And that was not good. I should have at least sought my desire, but we parted as friends. We did not part as enemies, though. Which was good. And I still love her to this day, as a sister. For my love for her, was deeper than it seemed. It was true love, truer than any I'd ever felt. It wasn't emotional, or filled with ecstasy. It was real love, which taught me how to love. How to be a man. But, it wasn't romantic love. It was not desire. It was a platonic form of love. It was more real in that it wasn't intense. It was simply loving her soul for no reason other than it was her.

XI: Graduation

After graduation, I began my serious studies. Becoming an atheist, I started from a blank slate. I knew nothing. But, managed to complete the square without knowing the Quadratic Equation. I managed to discover a circle's circumference related to pi, with a piece of string, ruler, and quarter. In the height of my atheism, I began to even doubt it. It made no sense to me. How was there no moral truth, when I observed it? I knew I had dishonored it, but I was never so foolish to know it were not a sin.
That question, however, became the spring board on which I tried, and failed to answer. That was the crux of my Atheism, for three months, was to prove that there was a universal truth. And there was, that I was sure. But, it could only point to a God.
So, I became a Christian again. And I studied Song of Songs, and not much else. I didn't believe in the Bible, per say. But, I did talk with a Methodist Pastor, who taught me Methodism. And first introduced me to Free Will and Determinism. I had never thought of determinism, but felt volition was self evident.
For isn't it? To anyone? That volition is self evident? It crossed my mind, maybe once, that things were predetermined, but then I saw my hand, and moved it. And found that there was choice. I had control over my thoughts. I chose my own actions, and certainly I had sinned. No better example was there, of a man who sinned and could have gotten away with it, than myself.
I knew it was all wrong. And I knew my sin was wrong. But, driven by fear and highly frustrated at this time, for my girlfriend and I were constantly at odds, and breaking up and making up---for a beauty could have been mine, but I chose my ex. For that platonic comfort, that she was my mate, and I chose her. And I would have stayed with her, had she seen me the same.
And I thought it all... I had choice, there were right and wrong, and God was the force behind it. And God must judge, of course. He must be satisfied with the blood of the wicked, and reward the righteous. As that was always my religion.

XII: My Sin

Yet, as a Christian, I sinned. And beside the thing I had done at 14, this was a thing that was truly evil. Not something that could be chalked up to childish hormones, but a man's poor decision.
My grandfather died. My ex was sorely abusive. So, I did the unthinkable, and challenged my own preconceived notions of my moral compass. I betrayed myself, and left a moral injury, like one might expect if they went to war and killed a man.
I realized, it was my desire to see the wicked punished that led me to do such a thing. And then the consequences and disappointment on everyone else's face around me, led me to truly understand the Gospel better than I ever had until that moment. For before, the idea was to destroy the wicked, and war like David. To fight Philistines, and the wicked would be punished in hell. Never did my mind accuse me in anything, for I had a valid excuse. Now I did not.
Thus, 15 years I was on some form of probation, or in prison, or had some form of punitive action. I realized I was entirely wrong about the meaning of the Gospel. It wasn't to destroy or punish those who sinned, but rather was merciful.
For I knew I sinned, but I knew it was forgivable. At least I thought. Now, I did something unforgivable in the world's eyes. And I understood it was never going to forgive me. I did something damnable. I had always been damnable, but this was the first where I understood I had done something that could not be explained. It was the first sin I committed, where I had no excuse. I was wrong.
Looking over my life, I see a lot of sins that I should have been repentant of. And so will you reading this, and so do You LORD, for that is the grace of God, is to cover the sinner. Even when their sin is exposed fully to the whole world.
It can simply be looked up, and reasoned that I was a bad man. Everyone knows it. And my conscience finally reproached me. But, in that moment, I found the fullness of the Gospel, seeing Paul, the mass murderer, there forgiven. And then conversations from my past began to make sense... but it was only half the story.
Still, there is a necessity for a man to do good. That will always be part of my religion, and is in every chapter of the Bible. But, there is an added dimension of the Law, which is mercy. And my life testifies to that fact. That being the scum the world saw me as, I can now be humble, and face it, seeing myself starkly naked. I was a lunatic. I was a sinner. I was a hardened evildoer. I was wrong. And in that, my journey truly began, and finding the faith became more clear. As the proverb goes, he who is forgiven of much, loves much. And therefore, I lost my desire to judge those who wronged me, and the true purification could begin.

Chapter XIII: My Probation

And I was with a good probation officer. Two. And I took my lumps. I found myself and held myself responsible. I knew I was wrong. And I wasn't mistreated by anyone in the justice department. That is my faith, to right the wrongdoing, and like Zachias pay back what you can. To be like the man who is a foolish servant, and get part of what the Master Owes paid back to him, in order to cancel out my own great debt.
And I did this for a reason. I followed every instruction carefully. As I would for any authority, it is the same as “Honor thy father and mother.” You honor authority, and it will honor you. You pay back your debt, though you cannot pay it all back ever, you at least will give restitution to the person whom you hurt, and they can live happier than they would, if they were not.
And I realized, being punished for every mistake is a rod of correction. And it beats the sin out of you. Detentions, three month groundings, probation, all kept me better than I were before.
And I loved hard, and kept myself pure. I took my discipline well. For I needed disciplined. It sharpened me into a wiser, humbler, more compassionate man. It left me able to see any person, no matter how decrepit, and love them. To hope for their mercy, to hope for their prosperity.
As it is, we need disciplined, and sometimes we need to have our selves knocked to the ground, by how bad we are. Not many people have this realization, of just how bad they are. They go their whole lives, as alcoholics, or sex addicts, or homosexuals, or transgenders, or just simply believing they're good people, when the evidence shows they are not. They need to be truly humbled, to understand the true Gospel. It is as much to a mad man, who murdered many, as it is to the level headed man whose only sin is his scorn for others. For the Gospel heals the mad man, and shows him the error of his ways, and restores his conscience to good health. And the simple man, it makes more compassionate toward those who fail.
For we need that sin knocked out of us, and it is self righteousness. The idea that we must destroy the wicked, or pay back the debt of others, rather than seeking to restore the debts we owe. For we cannot, and Christ paid the debt in full. And then the world points and laughs, and says, “We knew you were always wrong, and evil, and a scoundrel.”
We need the humility to truly understand ourselves. That the wrong levers can be pulled, and we can become worse people than we ever thought imaginable. But, Christ, the good news is He can restore us to a right conscience, and make us whole and right before ourselves, and unashamed. For tribulation works patience, patience experience, experience, hope, and hope makes not ashamed. For the Love of God is shed abroad in our hearts, by the Holy Spirit which is given to us.
Chapter XIV: Messianic Cult

And thus, I found the moral agency I was looking for, in a humble Messianic Jewish leader. Not a bad man. A very good man, with a righteous family. A will wisher. But, he restored me by teaching me charity.
He was a tree trimmer, and I worked for him on several occasions. And he taught me about the Law of Moses. Which, I took on as a fast for 4 years. And this fast I did astutely, except once when in Baltimore I ate calamari.
And I observed the Sabbath, and the Feast Days, and ate only what was clean. And although not perfect... I became enthralled by a different name than the one I knew, the one Barnabas approved which is Jesus. It still was a moral guidance I wanted. And what I needed.
Thus, he taught me habits about the tithe, and about being pure. And so I walked circumspectly, but as a will wisher in this time.
All things work to the good of those who believe in You, Father, and this cult was not true... and had I died at that time I am not sure if I would have been saved. But, it was moral clarity, which I had lacked for some time. And that is why I latched onto it.
For, I think Messianic Jewish cults become impressive to those who wish to be good, but know no way how. And they seem right to a man, but the end is the way of death.




Chapter XV: The Baptist Conversion

Then I became accustomed to going to a Baptist Church. And here, is where I learned my most important doctrines. The pastor was a wise man, though we were oil and vinegar, and did not really mix. I was more Michelangelo, and he more John Calvin.
And I suddenly realized, that he was teaching me the parts of the Bible I had not known. Going over the Prophets. Which, my most fluent books of the Bible are the Gospels and the Prophets. And I became advanced through his teachings. I understood Haggai, had been taught the parts of Roman Culture I did not know, like Tiberius' renovations of the Temple. I learned the grown up stuff.
I had sinned, though, and this church was wary of me for that reason. It could not trust me, therefore, I had to go elsewhere. But here I was taught the meat of the Bible. And in Sunday School, I was taught Apologetics, the history of the Bible and its construction, and many other things.
What's to know about Baptists, is that conservative churches are very good at the moral law, but will be strict toward those who fell. Liberal churches, are merciful to those who fell, but feel no need to believe in God. I wanted a medium... which became the Narrow Road I found. To walk in both perfect Mercy, Justice and Faith. To forgive the murderer, as was Paul a Murderer, but to also hold the murderer accountable when he murders. Not to forsake him, and make him sad. But, to rebuke him, and allow the consequences to strip the sin from his bosom. So he is taught not to blaspheme, as Paul had said it.
And that's an important aspect of the faith, I think, to walk in Mercy and Justice. Mercy is kindness to those undeserving, but Justice makes an end to sin. And that is my most important teaching, I think. The faith of Bunyan, the faith of Augustine, the faith of Paul. Men who know sin, receive a thorn in their flesh. Nightmares, urges of the flesh, a conscience that remembers their foul deeds. But, Mercy lets them not shrink back, and so they have hope. It allows them to be restored to good conscience, and therefore be strong for others.
As the person who feels guilty is not good for any ministry. He will shrink at every stone cast at him. Rather, he must rest, and repent, but he usually would not. He must shoe his foot, and keep his throat from thirst. He must be ready to move, but when he is restored, he is better for God's service. Which is why I needed to be shamed, and have my sin exposed to myself, to know the true religion. To walk in mercy, but also justice. To have no shame, and to have the sin pruned off of me, by persecutions, and railings, and abuses. To walk upright, and in humility, knowing our neighbor is the same as we, secretly down below. And our sin exposed, lets him see the mercy of God that we can walk tall in his company, despite being fully revealed for what we truly are.
And I think the Baptists wish to hide that sin nature, and pretend like it doesn't exist. Yet, as Christ said, all things will come to the light eventually, and there in the light, it dies when exposed, and we can live better lives and more fruitful lives. And be better able to be compassionate to whomever is suffering, whether deserving to suffer or not. For we truly understand, it was in us all along, and we always did deserve to suffer, therefore we judge no one, and receive no judgment.





XVI: Dispensationalism

Thus, I come to Papias of Hierapolis' belief of Dispensationalism. Which was scorned by Eusebius, who made many errors. I almost wish Papias' work existed, and persevered, and Eusebius was forgotten. But, the scholar won, and the one who had a child like faith did not. However, it's to be said by the counsel of Baruch from Jeremiah, not to seek great fame for his life shall be his booty. For Papias was dictated to the book of John, by the Apostle John. Which we see in surviving fragments.
Why do I believe in Dispensation? I see the word used in Paul's epistles, in no plain term, and that word means “Religious economy.” And I see fat is consumed by those in Nehemiah's day. Which was unlawful. And Paul says in Hebrews to his audience, that “With a change of priesthood, comes of necessity a change of law also.” And I mean to say, Abraham married his sister Sarah, and such would be unlawful in today's world, but as it was in the time of Adam and Eve, there were fewer people upon the earth. Therefore, the families had more robust genetics, and could interbreed. Now, they cannot. And similarly, when homosexuals are allowed to marry, it takes critical genes from the gene pool, as it takes the better natured people who should breed, and makes them turn gay, and therefore, they do not pass on their genes. Instead, they become hardened by their sin, and their faces become changed.
But, why do I believe Dispensation? Again, I've detailed 10 dispensations, and have read Isaiah and Ezekiel, and Revelation, and see plainly an earthly kingdom where Christ will reign, and as it says, the only law in that time, will be to visit the Temple in Jerusalem during Tabernacles, and have a festival. Like a fair now, it will be remarkable. And also that the one of a hundred years old, should they die, will have been considered a sinner. And God will only use the rain to shepherd his people. There will be no sword, for they will be beaten into ploughshares, not before the ploughshares are beaten into swords, to repel the forces of Satan in those end times.
But, there are ten dispensations that I've seen, and counted, and Ten is a number of completion. 1. There is the time before the Flood. 2. There is the time of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and Joseph. 3. There is the time of Moses, and the Exodus of the Jews. 4. There is the time of the Kings and Judges. 5. There is the time of the captivity and exile to Babylon. 6. There is the time of the restoration of the Temple, and the second Temple. 7. There is the time of the Gospel, which began with Christ, and of the order of Melchizedek He became our priesthood. 8. And then there's the tribulation. 9. And then there's the millennial Kingdom. 10. And then there is the New Heavens and New Earth. A very mechanical system, each economy has a different law, and a different way in which man and God commune. And each economy, a new scripture is added, which in the time of the tribulation, it shall be the Seven Peals of Thunder, which will appear in scripture without the aid of man.
But, why do I believe in these? Because it is what the Bible says. And I take the Bible seriously, as a part of my religion. I do not spare a word, but weigh it against all the rest. And I am satisfied, by both outside evidence, and the moral consistency, and the apparent nature of God's Flesh being crucified in His Son Jesus Christ, and His resurrection, that we are without excuse and have a good God and good moral Lawgiver, who reveals Himself to mankind in stages, each stage becoming clearer and clearer, until in the Millennial Kingdom, He shall reign in the flesh, being descended from heaven after being born of the Daughter of Zion, a grievous sinner like all mankind. And Christ shall save her, as well as us, who are sinners.
For the Gospel is a Sabbath, of the Seventh Dispensation. We do not work, we do not war... and in the tribulation, we shall not war for the sword shall lead to the sword, and captivity to captivity, therefore, we die and our blood is shed as a witness. And then we will be resurrected into the Millennial Kingdom. As the Bible says.
And LORD, why do these things occur? Why do You, in Your glory, change the customs of a land, but Your moral law stays consistent? Slavery dissipates by machine tools and paper money, and genes become more fragile. So, therefore, you are a very material God, coming in the Flesh of Your Son Jesus Christ.

XVII: The Non Denominational

Thus, I came to a Non Denominational church, which was primarily filled with people of color. And this was good, I think, because it showed me that churches are the same everywhere. With the same politics, the same theologies, the same sermons. Different music, but the people are generally the same.
And I realized we were one body under one LORD. The Christian God, is a God of the Black American, as well as the Hispanic, as well as the East Asian, as well as the Arab and Persian and Caucasian. We all bear together in one body, with similar problems, similar sins, similar theologies.
I exalted the lead pastor, who was a great preacher. And his staff were very good too, being good teachers of the truth. There was a certain animosity in that church, as I've found in every church, and every room I've been in, an animosity toward me. But that is the world, for it hates me. Every room I enter, there are enemies, and they pursue me, and torment me with many cruel supernatural taunts.
But, this was a safe church, and like any other church I've ever been to. A little more normal and a little more solid than many others. It was just a church. And I found the body of Christ were very similar in every church I'd ever been to.

XVIII: Pentecostal Bethel

And thus, I went to Bethel. Being warned about doing so, by the Baptist church. But, I went, and here my delusions were reborn. I had encountered such magical thinking at a Youth Camp, and here it was on full display.
To say I despise Worship Music, I do for it has such a repetition, and emotive quality, and lack of melody, and lack of lyrical depth... it is for all intents and purposes brainwashing. And it leaves one with a very hollow feeling, that is like a drug. And this is called “The Spirit” at these churches, and I'm a little leery of saying that, because it seems more like drunkenness, and witchcraft than it does “The Spirit”.
As the Spirit should make you sober, not become like a white witch, doing enneagrams, and making potions with water, and burning incense, and though the worship was pure... they taught psychology from the pulpit. I'd sit and be still, and meditate in prayer, which now I do in silence and get the same benefit.
Going there, I started believing in magical things, and miracles---which I still believe the Spirit is active, I am not a secessionist---but the manner in which this happened, was more like cardboard, as opposed to flesh and blood. It wasn't real. To me at least, it made me very delusional, and I found the congregation were more like a congregation of White Witches, than they were actual Christians. As is true with New Apostolic Reformation teachings, it's more a soft paganism, than it is Christianity.
And at the last, as I was there they kicked a homeless man off their stoop for asking for money. Which a church should give money to the poor, especially one as rich as that. Or even a cup of coffee which they could certainly afford.
And thus, I see the religion becoming stingy toward the poor, and blaming people for their suffering, and this church taught the gospel of “Well-being” and “Prosperity” and “Wealth.” It taught more mental health, than it did the Bible. Where my Baptist church had great teaching, but lacked mercy, this church lacked teaching, and was impersonal, where one could be a fly on the wall, and come and go, and receive magical feelings, and believe in magic tricks where people would tuck their feet beneath them and reveal them, to then claim to be healed.
Also, one preacher tried to knock me over, by pushing a pressure point in my back which I knew from my brother, who is a Martial Artist, so I knew they were calling that “The Holy Spirit” and I knew that was not the Holy Spirit. I knew that was some form of religious manipulation, and it left me with severe delusions for a long time.

XIX: My Confession of Sin

Then, I went to the police, and confessed my sin. LORD, do not make this a mistake. Should I have gone to the Catholic Priest, and confessed, perhaps. But, instead I went to the police. Thinking to fulfill an oath I made---can you not even forgive an oath? Is there anything which you cannot forgive? The law being punctured into your Flesh?
This was not a mistake, per say, but it left me crippled more than I already was. And I confessed, and had the most insidious criminal charges brought against me.
And I realized, that this was part of my journey. That the crime I had pacified, was now one that was made manifest to everyone. And LORD, I know not what to do about it now, or if people will even forgive me. But, the depth of my sin is in the light. Therefore, the Light is an antiseptic, and sin can be killed.
And thus, the air and principality wishes to destroy me with it, but I can boldly preach Your gospel, knowing I have paid the small debt I owed to these girls. And that was a sin at 14, as all will know. And this debt was paid, and I have suffered many years of solitude due to this. I am not ashamed, but every room I enter into, now has a severe hatred toward me. My nerves show me, and my senses, that I am a shame to these people.
Ought I have hidden it? Well, then I would be crazy with the guilt, and be worse off, I think. At least now, I don't have to pretend, or keep a huge secret. I have no secrets of which to keep, and my life is bare to those who see me. Many wish to see if I'm good, or evil... I'd say neither good nor evil, nor wise nor foolish. Somewhere a mean... and I pursue the true faith.
Would I counsel another to do the same? No... for I think now that I have matured, I see that God forgives such things, and often we forget about them and never make account of it again. However, I could not do this. It was ever present on my thoughts, and I needed to make an end of it. And so the shame and humility I have, far outweighs the moral panic of being caught. For I know it'd be on my mind for many years.
Now, however, I think about when they are going to bring me back into account for this crime, which I cannot pay back a debt double for. For the world has changed, and very much, we have abandoned liberty for the sake of “karma” and punishment, which is not the Gospel, and is not American either. We ought not use cruel and unusual punishments, nor bring a man to bear for crimes over and over again. As that's specifically against the law. And it is a good law, though I did not understand it as a youth.
I needed to reckon, I think, that I was not perfect. As a youth, I found no fault in me, and was self righteous, and wanted to bring account to the world, and bear a sword against it. Now, I see the sword hangs over my neck, like Damocles, and I realize that grace is to the righteous, and the wicked... for without it we'd have no sense and would only be wont to do evil.
Therefore, my heart would not condemn me in anything should I be brought back under chains, I'd see it merely as proof of the Gospel in me, and a righteous man being taken into account. For it could only be my testimony of the Gospel that led to such false imprisonment, for my debts are paid back in full to those I have injured. And that is why, I do believe, I needed to confess, was so this would be apparent should such a change take place, if it ever would. Also, to protect me against such accusations, as certainly if I knew I had done wrong, it would be open and not a secret.

XX: Awaiting my Trial

There was a solace at this time period, where I was truly righteous. More righteous than any, and feeling such exalted feelings. A certain peace, I have not attained yet again. And perhaps my most robust faith were at this time.
I finished a few books, LORD, which You have given me. And I felt a peace of wonders, that everything could go any direction. I felt hope at this time, that the world would forgive me, and I could live the life I dreamt of. Unaware that the world is very unforgiving toward me, and always has been, as I documented in this book.
Every sin I've paid a debt for, be it dropping a pencil in science class, stealing a hoodie from Lost and Found, getting an F in English, or doing a sin that required Law and Order.
I do not know if that's the Gospel, that we must, but I did. And I think at this time, I was very at peace with the whole ordeal. Praying for a safe way to serve my sentence, that didn't get me raped or mistreated. Which I obtained.
God was working wonders at this time. But, I feel I had failed Him, in becoming jaded and superficial. I feel somewhat that I am a lost individual now, more than I ever were. Though my faith is more robust, and at every moment I pray to You, and hope in Your word, searching for the true faith. Though I've failed, and my sin is between you and me. No one else, have I sinned against, beside You my LORD.
And for that, I need to obtain mercy. For at this time, I rightfully knew there was good on the horizon, but there truly wasn't, and at the point I am writing this, my heart is failing like it said in Psalm 18, and I am sad and smitten. As it said, we waited carefully for good from You, but only evil came.
For that, I follow your law, and extol it. I only desire mercy, for I am but flesh. Lead me to the valley, and let me rest. For at this time, I was truly in my glory, and now I am truly in my perplexity, for long-suffering, and awaiting and nothing comes. Simply waiting, and many years pass, and the situation slightly depreciates. And I am not fearful, but rather perplexed.
I dream evil dreams, and I see evil things in my visions. I do abominable things in my dreams, like Augustine or Bunyan, and perhaps Paul... I know not why or how, only that it is an oppression, a thorn in the flesh, but here at least, in this time, I was at rest.
And I do not know, LORD, what I say or do, only that I seek the true faith. And hope to win the race, and accomplish my dream. Which is to be grafted into the Vine, and enabled by Your Hope and Love, to endure hard trials, and to long-suffer, and love my brother as well as my enemy. And everyone else in-between. Through your Power. Amen.
XXI: The Time I Spent In Jail

Here, I ministered to only a few. I spent the time listening to sermons, and reading War and Peace and To Kill a Mockingbird. I kept my shoes shod, and drank water. I read the Bible much also.
To say I was mistreated, I was not. It was simply a time of isolation, and a time of great distress. I spent every day, praying 5 hours, praying for a life in theory, which I had lost. As is said, blessed be he who loses his life for the kingdom's sake.
I saw only my dad and mom, and nobody loved me in there. As is the worst part of prison, is that there is no love. Everyone hates you, for it is an environment characterized by hate.
And then you visit your family through a window, and on a stinking phone.
It was what I needed. No mistreatment, for I was on a protective custody arrangement, like I prayed to the LORD before hand. I wept twice, when I dreamt my dog had died, and his carcass was beside my grandparent's pool. I wept. Something good in me was gone, but soon after, Chantz my Lab came to visit me in another dream. That is all I'd like to say about this.

XXII: Jay Vernon McGee and the Chaplain

Thus, while in prison, I listened to Jay Vernon McGee. And I realized I had the same interpretation as him reading Jeremiah. As I also have the same interpretation as Matthew Henry. Thus, it must be the interpretation, for three witnesses to find it.
And a Chaplain in there, taught me from Galatians and Colossians, finally putting my Messianic Jewish beliefs to rest.
For, clearly, in Paul, it says that the Old Law is a shadow. That it is crucified into Christ. That it is abolished. That we are to not sew new patches onto old garments, nor pour new wine into old bottles. That Christ healed on the Sabbath. That the Disciples plucked the grain. That what goes into the stomach, gets purged by the drought, and does not cause sin. But, rather what comes out of us, evil thoughts, deeds and speech, that is what defiles. And why was I in jail? Because I had defiled myself.
Also, Jay Vernon McGee completed what my Baptist Pastor had sowed. Two witnesses, I learned the lesson of the Prophets, and became an expert at that point. I studied sermons, listening to dozens a day, I read the Bible, read War and Peace, read To Kill a Mockingbird. Read Heinlein's words on a professional witness.
That is the dark part of the faith, which I thought I had to walk according to the prophecies. But, now, I see the captivity talked about in the Prophets as a sort of Purgatory, which we enter due to sin, and thus await the LORD to restore us to Jerusalem. And await I do.
I do not have to walk according to the Prophecies, but rather Christ walked according to them. I merely rest in His Sabbath, and see I am under siege by Babylon, and as I was awaiting trial, I read my Bible carefully, and saw I must submit to Babylon. I must let them yoke me to my bondage, instead of fight. I must not trust in the many chariots of Pharaoh. I must allow my enemies to walk over my back. Thus, I did. And went into captivity, where I remain right now.
And why is there captivity? To prune from us the dead branches, and the evil works of unrighteousness, and the fruits of doubt. So the LORD can deliver us from the furnace, and the lion's den. And we increase in faith, knowing that when we call upon His name, we shall not be abandoned. For in the Prophets, it says all who call upon His name in that day will be saved, good or bad.
And thus, I didn't have to follow washing, or laws about food and drink, or laws about sabbaths and feast days. I rather could live free, and love my neighbor and my God, as that was the yoke that was light. A light yoke. And when captivity is restored, it shall not come again. I shall be in my eternal abode, in paradise, with Jerusalem as my Hephzibah. His Delight is in Her.

XXIII: Sex Offender Probation

Thus, the hardest part was not seeing family or friends while on this probation, for there were children there. And the Sex Offender Probation. Here was one of the hardest parts of my life. I could not even deign to look at a child. I had to ask permission to leave the county. I could not go to a State Park or a Church. I had a counselor who abused me and terrorized me, that I was forced to go see.
Were these equal? No, but I suffered more for my Christian Faith, I think. For I'd have more mercy without it. Would such punishment be made for someone who had a conscience, if they did not believe? I do not know. For I was punished severely for this sin of youth, and like Job, in bondage and tormented by all my counsel.
I followed every command, and listened to every decree. I violated my probation naught. I followed my Sex Offender registry, which had to be four times a year, quarterly, and expected to be on that my entire life. However, an act of providence loosened that bond, and now I am freed from all my punishment. Save, the fact that I am still in isolation, and feel like a sinner... I can walk proudly in a room, and feel accomplished. For having written of the LORD so well, like Aquinas. But, I say, like my prayer of Moses, let my work be established, and like David, let me inquire in His temple for all eternity, and see the beauty of the LORD. But I am still aware of the hatred in every room, as I was always painfully aware. For nothing has changed, truly. Only I am waxing old, and am getting weak. And like David, my heart is troubled and sore within me, for waiting on the LORD. And at once, will I inherit wind? Yea or nay, the LORD is Good.

XXIV: My Appreciation for Catholicism

I had hated Catholicism from my messianic Jewish days, and perhaps my baptist influences. Yet, the church treated me so kindly all my years. I had evangelists explain to me the Mary Dogma and the Saints, and found them palpable. Her name was Elizabeth.
And my heart changed toward Catholicism, and I feel it is more right than many Protestant sects. It has been stalwart as a protection against me, listened to my insane babble, and has been a protector. And I realized that the Church Government has something wise about it, that Protestants lack. A certain accountability to a hierarchy, that makes it strong in these last days, and Protestantism weak.
I am still a Protestant, but am ecumenical with the Catholics, Orthodox and Protestants. I read the Martyr's, the Saint's are interesting to me and part of my faith, too, and so are the Catholic traditions of the Apostolic Fathers, and the Liturgies.
It is perhaps the strongest testament to the Catholics, that they retain the ancient faith, when before they were the persecutors of it, now they are the defenders of it. Where things go in full circle, the LORD uses His church, to rebuff against itself, and therefore make it more vital.
There are many dimensions to the Gospels, and rather than squibbles about Communion or Baptism or how many sacraments there are, I see a Holy Apostolic and Catholic Church, which became my fixation. How Saints in Catholicism encountered the divine, as well as saints in Protestant Martyrs. There is a kinship, Catholics and Protestant Saints have been killed by a false church, and many times, which exists in both hierarchies.
And therefore, I realized the true faith is ecumenical, and there is false and true Christianity. Christendom is the False Christianity, trying to gain worldly power and corrupt governments, and bring back illiberal times. Or it has Sin as its head of the Pantheon. And true Christianity teaches the Bible, in both Catholicism and Baptist theology, it is a secret, and the LORD reveals it to you if you are pleasing Him.
Therefore, we seek the LORD and find the true faith through providential guidance. And we are at odds with the World, and are attacked by false brethren in all parts of the church. But, there is a common faith, unique to all sects, which the faithful find, and they seek it. And it is neither Catholic nor Baptist, it is neither Protestant nor Orthodox. It is a universal faith, which one discovers through a diligent search.






XXV: Geometry and Math

Thus, I found Geometry and Math. And discovered the foundations of our creation. How order lies beneath everything, and there is truth. Like Moral Truths, there is a law according to physical truths. And their self evidence, is what leads us to understand that You are the LORD, for Your law is as self evident, as a geometer's observations when trained, will understand a principle.
That is how real You are. There is a Prisca Theologica, common among all religions. And You LORD, spoke all of it without the chaff. As real as the geometer's laws are, so are Your laws of conscience. And even at the end, You do not make an end to other faiths, but rule over them.
How good You are, to ally Yourself with those who tell truth, and are good? You have provision, I think, to save them, as the gentiles flock to Israel. How if one judges, and keeps true to the moral precepts, which either Islam, or Buddhism, or Hinduism find, they may have a chance yet to be saved, I don't know. If they are not against Your church. For as You said, “Those who are not against us, are for us.”
Christians do not understand this, but the Catholics do, and is why I think they are supremely chief at this time, but Protestants understood it perfectly in times past. And that is the true religion. For righteousness creates peace, no matter what religion you adhere to, and You are the LORD and good Lawgiver, and Your law is Pure.
And like Geometry, Your Law is self evident to those whose mind has the breadth to understand how the lines and planes and points interact with one another. And not all men do, which is why mankind requires a teacher, which is You LORD, Jesus Christ. We need You to understand even the hair's breadth of right and wrong, for like Euclid, You put it all in order for us to understand, and see the shapes and how they form.
And we are not smart enough sometimes, therefore we trust on You, for more advanced minds than ours have understood it. Yet, we pursue it.

XXVI: Study of Ancient Near East History

LORD, had I not had History 101, and learned about Mesopotamia, I'd have never been started here. I searched for You, and the unbelievable lies that Atheists were telling. That there was no evidence. And beginning, I had thought this true, You can attest it was said to other Christians by me.
I truly believed there was no evidence. And I was satisfied by faith, that You were King. But, an itch came upon me, and so I began looking. And lo and behold, there was so much evidence in history. Let me account the story.
There were a people delivered from the Flood, which would have happened in the 24th Century BC. And this people, had progeny, and developed kingdoms. Among them were the Hittites and Amorites. And the Amorites were of Abraham, and the Elamites were their foe, and Abraham fought them at the battle of Sidim, under the reign of Emperor Sulgi. And they expelled the Elamites.
Then, Abraham had sired Isaac, and Isaac Jacob, and Jacob gathered to himself Hittite wives. As it is said, “Your father was an Amorite, and your mother a Hittite.” And this truth was passed down by them, worshiping You by the name of El. And then Jacob sired Joseph, and Joseph went to Egypt, where he transmigrated Yahweh worship. As is attested at the Temple of Soleb. And this people were made slaves, and crossed Ra's Gharib, and left Semitic Letters in the desert of Sinai, which also appeared in Egyptian caves. And this people migrated into Canaan, and fought them, accompanied by storms, locusts, disease, earthquakes, and tsunamis, which led to the 12th Century collapse. And then Israel was established, worshiping El Yahweh-Yireh Elyon, and they took Mesopotamian Laws, and You gave them the Ten Commandments, and developed a law which separated them, and made them Your people. And thus they lived for nearly a thousand years, until they sinned, and Babylon took them into captivity. And thus, for seventy years, they wept, and were restored by Cyrus' decree back to Israel, where they made a second temple under Haggai, which was then renovated by Tiberius, and then later sacked by Titus and destroyed to the foundations.
And thus, I learned this, Alexander had restored them their sovereignty, and destroyed Tyre and took Egypt for no cost, and laid Tyre to its foundations bare. And I learned the Greeks were Israel's enemies, being derivative of the pantheon of Sin and Baal-El.
Thus, I learned Ancient Near East history, and found the Bible was true. A true people, came from Mesopotamia, into Egypt, and the seven year famine of Egypt led them there---as every millennium there is a seven year famine in Egypt---and then this people were led across the Red Sea by Moses, whose name is written on a receipt for a Turquoise mine in Egypt.
It was all true. Thus, I was satisfied, this religion was real. The stories of the Amorites, passed down into Egypt and worshiping El Yahweh-Yireh Elyon, Who gave a good law, and revealed Himself only to Abraham and the Hebrews, where they made a covenant in Horeb, and then lived by that covenant until they broke it. In 1300BC, they settled into Canaan, and conquered it, and in 70AD, they were expelled, and the New Covenant was under the priesthood of Melchizedek and not Levi.
XXVII: Studying Church Tradition

Then I had studied the traditions of the church. Finding the lives of the apostles, the testimonies of the Early Church. Confirming to myself that the Gospels were witness, through Papias' testimony. Corroborating that with outside evidence, specifically gospels in India of Aramaic quality found by the Portuguese and second century church, and a lack of punctuation in Matthew's gospel.
Thus, if Jesus were witnessed to fulfill 400 Messianic Prophecies, which I had seen in plain language predicted Him, how could He not be the Messiah?
And His twelve apostles, and the seventy, and Mary and Lazarus, and Martha, and their converts, and the 500 witnesses of His resurrection, spread the religion, forming one church which withstood the ages. Was persecuted by both Christian and Pagan, Jew and Greek, Heathen and Apostate, and this church endured for 2000 years, until this day.
That the churches in Syria, and Ethiopia, and India, and Persia, and Egypt, and Turkey attest to this ancient tradition, that it still exists today. Showing these apostles did travel sometimes 20,000 miles over a lifetime, to spread the good news.
What is that good news? That life has a meaning. That we have a good God, willing to pardon us. That there is good, and yes there is evil. That there will be final judgment for all evil, and reward and punishment for good and bad behavior. That truth, beauty, and good is real, and the Platonic school was true.
That Jesus was the ultimate philosopher, proving the good through His flesh, and then giving us that good, so we could be resurrected, as is the confirmed tradition from Paul and Barnabas, and the Martyrs of the 17th Century, and is attested still today.
XXVIII: Dogmas and Systematic Theologies

Thus I pored over systematic theology, sermons, hymnals, liturgies, dogma, apologists, theologians, commentaries. And I found a fruitful faith, the faith I was looking for all along.
It has only been hidden, the evidence and true faith. And I adjure all to seek it with me.
For what is the true faith? You see it in the saints, the preachers, the hymns, the melodies, the liturgies, the theologies... you begin to see how they are different, but what unites us is a common bond. The creeds that we study, such as the Athenasian, Apostle's and Nicene.
That was the religion I was searching for, and hidden from me by even the church. And I adjure you, it still exists to be snatched from Satan's jowls, that roaring lion. He wishes to hide it, but you must chase after it like a Maasi warrior, and challenge the Lion in mortal combat. You must fight him for it. For he will not relinquish it easily, and you must not despair.

XXIX: The Theodicy and War

Thus where I am in my journey today, is looking at the theodicy and war.
Suffering is man made. Even natural disasters pale in comparison to the calamity caused by humans. And humans have agency to do good or evil. They have tongues to bless, hands to feed, feet to move to where the body is needed.
We have agency through Christ's blood, and it is God's decree that we do good. Thus, when a society is doing evil, and its children prefer pain to pleasure, what can be done? That is why there's war.
I see no other thing, than to come back to the first meditations, that the sinner must be killed. But the Christian relinquishes this judgment, and gives it to God, so like in the flood, He uses His own agency to bring about change and destroy the wicked.
For war is the business of Kings, and Kings are of the world. We are not kings, in the worldly sense, that we do not bother with war. We can be soldiers, we can be governors, but a Christian's true duty is to himself and his peers, to first be a blessing, and therefore shelter others from despair, and to make them feel more pleasure than pain. And to make them feel the love I felt as a child, as Christ was active in the people I knew, and that was where the comfort came from. And that is why there is war, is sometimes people cannot have peace, so God moves nations to combat and where the people are good, they set in place good governments. And where they are evil, they set in place evil governments. And under good governments, people have pleasure, and trade, and property. And under bad governments, people have suffering, and lack, and share all things in common.
For in human conscience, we desire property, therefore, theft is unlawful. We desire love, therefore adultery too. We desire safety, therefore murder is unlawful. And we desire rest, therefore the Sabbath is given. Our parents are good teachers, and shelter us, and we must honor them even if unworthy, for that honor will turn to our good. Our God is the only wise God, therefore we believe in Him, for He died to save us and no other god could or would, for they do not live like our God does. We do not hope in what cannot save us, therefore we do not have idols. We do not lie about others to gain advantage or to destroy, for we ourselves want our consciences clean, and not scarred by false accusations, which can haunt us our entire lives. And we do not covet, for what is ours is ours, and what belongs to others is theirs. And this is the order of things. For if we covet what belongs to others, we join our fields, and push all outside, and therefore they die, and we are left alone. And because our God is good, we do not take His name in deceit upon our lips to prosper, nor do we speak His name in anger, for He is good, and a shelter to us.
And where there is no law, nations fight, and the law abiding kill the unlawful. And this cycle is the war that happens all throughout history, the wicked grow in numbers, the righteous fight them or die. Therefore, if the wicked gain control, the righteous are dead, what do they care? And if the righteous gain control, the wicked are dead, and therefore all are happy in the graces of safety and prosperity.

XXX: My Final Word

All is vanity and chasing after wind. I am not a prophet. I am not a saint. I am not a sacred writer. I am simply a man. And I have tested all wisdom under the sun. I have found one thing worthy of life, and that is to eat from the labor you produce, and to love those God has given you to share life with.
Solomon had not this last piece of wisdom, but perhaps he did. It is where I admonish him, we must live life with others. Not forsake our friends, and to be honest to our wives and children, and our parents and loved ones.
But, I have seen the most callous part of the world, is the woman who does not love her family and seeks the world's gain. It is a snare to find her, and make her your wife. For she will destroy you. 
Yet, marriage is the happiest part of life, and can make a happy man have a double portion of joy.
Yet, because there is evil, and not very many will have the pleasures of this life, we are to ask to be grafted into the vine and empowered by the Spirit to be righteous.
For the LORD Jesus is the Root-stock, and we are the Scions. And if grafted into the vine, the LORD will fill us. And that is the religion I confess.

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