Dream Journal: Entry 1

I’m in a raft, floating.

I find myself, soon, fighting.

I don’t know who started it

Me or them.

Children start fighting me.

It gets more violent.

They draw knives and box cutters,

And letter openers.

I can feel the razors cut.

I fight.

I find myself losing.

Soon I enlist the help of my nethinim.

They—the nethinim—turn into pigs

Dressed in the wrong gender’s clothing.

 

Pigs are symbols of prosperity.

Pain is a symbol of danger.

Children represent the next generation.

A log flume—quite extravagant,

Brightly colored;— very interesting

How it splits. It turns into less like a log flume

Built into a tunnel into a laboratory or school like

Environment.

My uncle calls me an idiot.

 

Pigs symbolize prosperity; at least, filth.

My nethinim turning into pigs, might be my latent fear of success.

The children turning them into pigs, might be my latent fear

Of no one understanding my stories

Or making them mean something different than what they are intended to mean.

The Peter Pan thing has been bothering me recently,

For some reason… that maybe I don’t believe people would

Interpret my stories correctly.

Maybe they would make them filthy, cross dressing pigs;

I have been fantasizing about an Anime concept of turning

Great Anime Characters into Nethanim… it has been entertained a lot.

Yet, the danger arises of people misunderstanding the purpose of

The Nethanim, not as actual warriors

But kind of like they would view Goku

Or Saitama, kind of like that

Which is not what a Nethanim is intended for.

They are intended to be metaphors to overcome.

Overcome what? The bombardment of bad ideas

We inevitably must figure out.

Generally, they fight a lot of Nietzsche.

I am afraid of people using them,

Maybe, inapproriately

And double that, the people making them

Just another fantasy creature.

The Nethinim is the one singing the song.

They are singing the song in order to align

Their thoughts right. I have resistance

Saying it’s for Christ…

Though, I want it to be.

I think, generally speaking,

The Nethinim are there to overcome

Nihilism, drive away our demons

Drive away our evil thoughts,

But they turn into pigs;

Not just pigs, but like flesh demons

Or pigs. I think that maybe

Offering them to the public

Would be a hard step

Because the public would misuse them

And I’m fighting an intellectual battle,

And perhaps I have chosen something personal for me.

I don’t know if a Nethinim should be used

As a fantasy creature, like a Vampire or Warewolf.

I think the metaphysical nature of them

Prohibits their use as a simple creature like a Hobbit.

They are guardians of the mind,

Not guardians of the flesh.

I’m afraid of, perhaps

Creating a real world object

When I mean to only create a mental object

One to purify the thought processes.

And I might be afraid if they are misused,

The device will function wrong

And drive the mind into more demons

Not less.

As in I fear the delusitory nature of the Nethanim

To override the metaphorical significance of what they mean.

As, their nature is to wrestle with the truth.

It’s not necessarily about Christ…

I know that sounds weird coming from a Christian

But they are not merely Christian objects.

They can’t be, because there are strifes in all religions

Which the Nethinim, it doesn’t seem, can help.

It might be fear of them becoming a religious object

Or sacred, rather than to just function as they appear to be meant for

Which is a mental guardian against the real world

Ideas that we ultimately must face as intellectuals.

Nethinim cannot be mere characters.

They are simply the mind’s device

Into the realm of the subconscious battles

To draw out the demonic influences—

Namely, the shadows in our dreams

Which have no corporeal existence—

Those latent fears of the Shadow Self

Overcoming the conscious.

They are there to battle

And perhaps I have a fear of them becoming

Profaned for their being misunderstood

By the inherent refusal of the children

We’re bringing up in schools

To accept a meaning…

Rather they are prone to invent a meaning

When the meaning is clear,

Or they turn to meanings that are less difficult

To a story of “Who is stronger.”

It’s been my rumination that a Nethinim is stronger

Because they do not do battle with the ink

On an anime, they do battle with the mind’s interpretation of the anime

And if they are not used for this, they are inherently not being used correctly

Therefore, the beauty of the Nethanim could be turned into foul swine.

 

I find angst when I’m lying to myself,

And peace when I interpret the dream correctly.

 

As a final note, I’m probably afraid of losing my mind.

I see my family is angry at me for chasing after this dream

And I am beginning to believe myself an idiot

Because I don’t believe the metaphors can be understood.

Because I’m being called an idiot

For—as a personal note—striving for the best

In my product. My uncle came to dinner

Ate some of my scalloped potatoes,

Which were good—the whole batch was eaten.

But I was displeased with them.

Why this story is attached to my Uncle saying I’m an idiot…

I can only say it’s not that I think he believes my cooking is good

In other words, my writing. There is temptation to say that

But the emotional significance of the metaphor is that

He believes I’m an idiot, probably for my treatment of the subject

Being that I pursue my craft to an incomprehensible

Level; I go beyond what is right there before him—

What I latently knew he was satisfied with

And I go into a realm of taking what is already gourmet

To a level beyond it.

This might be the reason why Goku appears in my dreams a lot;

Often going Super Saiyan out to the god level now…

Which is fiercely negative in my mind.

I might believe I’m going to far with my craft

Into a realm of “godhood” which is not right for man.

Let it be clear, I’m not calling myself a god.

I believe I’m simply questioning the practice

Of going beyond what was already gourmet.

Being called an idiot for it—

With my Uncle’s bluntness—

Is probably the reason why I have started writing

Nature poetry with simple metaphors today.

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