My Doubt

I do believe in God. Rather, I know there's a God. My doubt is that He's good. My other doubt is that He will save me.

My  first doubt, that He is good: I love the Bible. I just don't know if the Bible is simply this joke God pulled on human beings, and was like, "Here's the rules, so now I'm going to crush you if you try to follow them." As that's the main point Christians seem to bring up, is that we're saved by "Grace" which ultimately throws away any responsibility. The Law is beautiful--if you understand it fully, and especially if you look closely at Paul's Epistles, it's a beautiful concept. That we're ultimately condemned to die under the perfection of the Law, but God chose to give us mercy. For what reason? Here is where Christians seem to fracture, most think that's all we need, is the gift of God's grace, and there's nothing more to it. Meanwhile, someone who truly desires to be righteous and loves the Law gets crushed by design under the Christian's teachings, who seem to blame suffering on the one who bears it---which is entirely contrary to both Old and New Testament teaching. So, I do not know if Christians have the word of God, and the Bible is false. Or if the Bible is true, and Christians are rather engaged in some worldly religion, about making oneself rich and ignoring the weightier matters of the Law, such as Mercy, Justice and Faithfulness.

My doubt that He will save me. I've made oaths, I've thought impure thoughts, I've almost become shipwrecked, and it's not for lack of wanting the faith, or trying. And I truly desire the fruits of righteousness, and the fruits of truth, but it seemed by manner of consequence, I could never find a true church that taught the full balance of the Gospel, and they all steered me away from what I truly needed. And listening to sermons, they seem to be accusatory of my condition, calling me out for the fact that I am suffering. I do, however, get great comfort in the Bible---as it seems to scream back at the Christians all the time, "The poor and sufferer and needy are who you must uplift! Sorrow is to be expected." But,  then the Christians scream back, "He's poor, and meek, and humiliated! Why ought we listen?" So, I don't know if I'm saved on that account, that nobody cared about my soul enough to show me the love of God and also discipline me. It was either too much love, or too much discipline. Which, I say that God's love and discipline are my reason for believing in Him...  but at the moment I feel hurt and pain and depression, because the entirety of Christianity seems to run aground, and there's no true preacher within 50 miles. So, I have the radio instead, and it seems they affirm the same message that to be saved, is to prosper in this life. And I feel unsaved because I have none of the things of this world, but rather shame, and confusion, and sorrow. But, then I read the Psalms and Prophets. Those do not shame me. And again I wonder, if God told a joke, and I was just not in on it.