Have I Ever Lived?

I, in this essay, will consider if I had ever lived a full life. I am poor, with 15 dollars to my name. I have travelled at the furthest, to Kansas City, Buffalo, and Fort Lauderdale. I live with my dad at the age of 37. I have a painful depression, but no anxiety or fear. I have my driver's license. I have written above 5,000,000 good words, and 12,300 good pages. I have written epic poems, novels, short stories, autobiographies, poetry in the Neoclassical and Romantic and Modernist vein. I have invented my own literary philosophy, called Neo-Formalism. I have studied the foundations of Math and Geometry. I reverse engineered Euler's Identity, Completed the Square with no knowledge of the Quadratic Equation, found Pi relates to a Circle's Circumference with a piece of string and quarter, and from studying Euclid's Elements have derived a formula that calculates the Golden Ratio. I have studied three major philosophies, Existentialism, Platonism and Epicureanism. I have read over 50 classics, and have read portions of nearly 100. My depression seems to be physical, associated with my high blood pressure, but I am content. I have schizoaffective disorder. I can cook delicious recipes. I've eaten fine food, and the best local produce. I am not hungry. I am not thirsty. I have a bed. I have nice things. I have good friends. I have good family. 

Considering all of these are the facts about my life, I will reason, because I don't truly know... Had I lived a good life? Travelling to the whole world, from the window of a computer has given me a rich experience, seeing humanity in all her nuances. I have seen the same patterns in history, too, and have comprehensively studied humanity. And I have comprehensively studied God, too. I've comprehensively studied the Sages. So, I will go over the meaning of life:

Wealth and Power: This I have none, and wouldn't want it. I think having wealth and power are a shame, that most people who use it, use it wrong. Some may say I have low utility, therefore, need not have wealth and power. All the same, I don't think life is built around our usefulness. What is it built off of though? That's the question.

Family: I do not have a family of my own. No children, grand children, no spouse. But, I do have a good mother and dad, and a good brother, and good friends. The mean here is where I set, at 37. Neither having a great and sprawling vine from my loins, nor am I disappointed with my lot in life with friends and family. To even have one person you can rely on, is a lot, I have dozens. Because I've learned the art of keeping friends and family, is to forgive them, no matter how deep the wound.

Leisure: Here some may say I have a lot, but I don't. I spend all my time learning, and understanding. To have things to write about, and write about them correctly. Yet, a scholar must have little business, to be in the way of doing their job. Thus, my basic necessities are met, and I am like a Monk, hidden away in an alley, learning the meaning of life, of which I have found it.

Meaning: I have found multiple meanings to life. Pleasure, which I have about half of the world's pleasures. I have found love, which I am buffeted on all sides. I have found God, which is Christ Jesus. And I have found the meaning of life is to Love God with all your Heart, Soul and Mind, and to love my neighbor as myself  Which, who do I love more than myself? Therefore, I ought to love my neighbor that much, and God more.

Learning: Here I have great learning, but what is it all for? What is true today, is not true tomorrow, and what is true yesterday is like it never were. Therefore, I am perplexed. What stays consistent? That I have found two things: The laws of Space and the Laws of God. Wherefore am I content with anything but? Plutarch can tell me about Caesar, but I would need Caesar to tell me about Caesar to know the whole of it. Yet, men witnessed God, and knew Him, and so have I, so I have known God better than Caesar, and that is where my learning comes from.

Love: I have found no greater meaning than love. Desire for a spouse, friendship with a good man, sacrificial love for a stranger, and the familial love toward parents and siblings, and hopefully one day children. What more is there to life? If you never learn the half of the world's mysteries, you are greatly benefited by love. You need no other knowledge, and no other meaning. Thus, I have love in great abundance, so therefore, have loved unconditionally, therefore, have lived fully.

At the conclusion, I truly do see life as meaningless. Empty, hollow and void. Where there is any power, it can be stripped away. Where there is any fortune, it the same. Other wills and other minds stop fortunes, and oppress, and keep those whom they choose to be low or high, at movement or idle. There is no gain in this life, if you seek it. Nothing but the movement of other wills, which keeps a man in his place. If those wills say you have choice, and can be rich, then you are. If those wills say you will fail, then so you do. It is all an illusion. Thus, I have found one thing worthy in life, and that is to love others, and therefore, through loving them, one will love God. And I have worked for this wisdom, the same wisdom I had since a youth, it is the same wisdom I have now. And that is all I've found in life that has meaning. Is my love.